Just me. (lara7) wrote,
Just me.

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The differences between idle speculation and being a psycho

So I talked to MBCFTP on the phone tonight (I'm still here at the parents' house). Was a nice conversation, avoiding the "let's analyze all that happened between us." issue completely. This is mostly good because
1) I already know I'm going to see him again in about a month, which is good enough for me now.
2) I can do that well enough in my own mind, and in fact, already have. I mean, how can I -not- speculate about and analyze it?

So here's the thing; I've made both my entries about him friends-only; since he's not on LJ, he can't read them. I told him about my LJ and I believe he's been reading a fair bit of it as a way of catching up/continuing to get to (re)know me. (Actually, he saw the first locked entry over my shoulder when I was logged in the next day with him present, but that one contains the least info anyway). I could give him an LJ code to create an acct and he could read those posts, or I could unlock them, or I can keep them concealed.

So the conundrum: I use my LJ to think out loud, bitch about things, amuse myself, tell friends what I'm up to, and as a general "diary". The fact that some people find it compelling or funny enough to want to read (even if they don't know me personally) is just gravy. I generally don't worry about what would happen if someone I wrote about saw what I said (in most cases, I know whether the subject knows I keep an LJ or not), but I do think about things like if MG (the gender dysphoric classmate) would see what I said, might (s)he be offended or feel that I gave away too many identifying details (which would be pretty ironic, considering I'd never have found out about this aspect of him/her if (s)he hadn't used the full names of friends I was looking for in the posting (s)he made.)?

So of course, I wonder what MBCFTP would say if he read what I said about him. He'd see my general glee at what's happened, but maybe he doesn't react well to complements and praise, especially (semi)public ones. Maybe some of my thinking out loud would come across as scary in its candor or psycho-stalker-esque; those of you who've read my friends-only posts probably know what aspects of those posts I'm talking about. Can one speculate and grumble and "what-if" without another person thinking that's what you "mean"? It's not that I've said anything I'm ashamed of writing, but there's a certain distance/coyness that is supposed to be part of the whole boy/girl (you may also fill in your preference here as applicable) dynamic. By some definitions and "rules", I'm not supposed to admit what I've been thinking about/feeling/wondering for fear of scaring him off.

But at the same time, I'm okay with sharing it with people I don't even -know-. Obviously I think ya'll are okay peeps or I wouldn't have added you to my friends list (whether first or in response to you adding me), but there's a certain fucked-up-ness to the idea that people in states I've never even been to have more inside information about my thoughts on MBCFTP than he does. I'm generally someone with a lot of candor and not a lot of secrets, but even I'm not willing to be haphazard about revealing TooMuchInformation too early around someone I really like. At this point, he doesn't even know what MBCFTP stands for!

So I don't know what to do. My impulse is to take the risk, let him see everything I've written, and go from there, no matter where the result falls on the positive to disasterous reaction-to-TMI-scale. I've never been shy about taking somewhat-informed risks others probably wouldn't take; it's how I ended up in San Francisco for 3 mostly wonderful years. The flip side is that it's also how I ended up in Columbus for 4.5 mostly-sucky-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things years (QV, RR and L68, don't take that as being related to ya'll). Maybe he'll find my disclosures charming and refreshingly frank. Or maybe his brain will explode like in Cronenburg's "Scanners".

Wow, I've been fishing for advice a lot lately. Bad timing prolly, since half of ya'll seem to be AFK this week with XMess stuff, but I do appreciate the advice/comments I've gotten on prior posts. (thanks to all of you. You know who you are. :-))

So I'll take an intermediate step; I'll make this entry public knowing the MBCFTP will almost certainly read it eventually, and thus I've opened yet another can of pants: Now he can not only wonder what the hell I'm being so secretive about in the first place, but can also see my uneasyness/waffling about the matter publically displayed, thus assuring myself that I'm damned anyway because I've displayed weakness and thus will be the first culled from the herd! Or something.

LJ: complicating your love life since 1999.

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