Just me. (lara7) wrote,
Just me.
lara7

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lara7 on dating etiquette/open letter to cute gearhead guy

Okay, so saturday evening I had what I thought was a date with a cute gearhead guy I recently met. I had a good time and all, but by the end of the evening, it was getting more apparent that he is not available, but I finally asked directly for confirmation, and got it. :-( I don't feel like he led me on or anything, but I really wish he had taken the available opportunities to tell me about his circumstances way earlier than he did.

So for all those who might need a refesher, I present:

lara7 on dating etiquette (part one of an irregular series)

1) if you are not available, maybe you shouldn't call a girl at 1pm the day after she gives you her number. Guys who call within 12 hours of meeting you are generally presumed to be interested.

2) when you call and then you go to lunch with me, and we're talking, and you say "I dated this girl who {anecdote deleted}", that would be AN EXCELLENT TIME to segue into "and BY THE WAY, we've been in a long distance relationship and she'll be moving here in a few weeks." argh.

Waiting until the next time I see you (a week later) to tell me, after we've been hanging out for a few hours and I'm thinking I'd like to go out with you again because I like being around you, is impolite, to say nothing of disappointing to find out.

3) If possible, work the existence of the girlfriend into the conversation during which I ask if you have plans on Saturday and invite you to thrift with me. While this is an advanced maneuver and should not be attempted by amateurs, if done skillfully, it can avert misunderstandings early on.

Sigh, anyway, I'm sure we'll continue to hang out, be friends, all that, but I wish I'd known ahead of time. And I know she exists; she called while we were at his place listening to records. The only thing I can think of is that he's skeptical that it's gonna work out when she gets here, and might have been interested in me, but upon further getting to know me, decided he wasn't, and told me about the girlfriend to make it clear that he wasn't available instead of having to have the "let's just be friends" conversation, ie, even if they break up 3 days after her arrival, he's still not interested.

The other possibility, and the one that seems the most obvious, but also the most confounding, is that the reason he didn't bring up the girlfriend earlier is because he had NO CLUE that I was interested and thought hanging out with me was no different than hanging out with one of the guys. Maybe if I had been a cool guy he met under the exact same circumstances, and I gave him my number, he'd have acted the exact same way and called me first thing the next afternoon, had lunch, etc. But somehow, I doubt it. . Ah well, it's pointless to obsess over it and analyze it, but I feel better venting about it.

This is one of the problems of being a girl who has so many traditionally masculine interests; men sometimes interact with you as "one of the guys" instead of as a chick who you can both relate to/have conversations with AND make out with. Maybe most men don't want chicks that have a lot of interests that they already share with their guy friends; maybe it weirds them out. Or maybe it's just me. :-(
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