February 2nd, 2002

pants

a vacation story I forgot to tell last week...

..is the story of the Motel 6 Obscene telephone caller.

My last night in SeaTac, I stayed near the airport at a Motel 6. I was very tired, and fell asleep at 10pm (which, in my defense, is 1am eastern time). The phone awakened me at 10:30pm or so. My first thought was that it was JS calling, but then realized it was the hotel phone ringing and not my cell, and as JS didn't know where I was staying, he couldn't be calling me on the landline.

My next thought was that the front desk had screwed up and was giving me a 10:30 PM wakeup call, instead of the 10:30 AM call I'd requested. But I answered it anyway.

It turned out to be an obscene caller. After he made his initial statement, I groggily asked the stupid question "who is this?" and he said "Kevin". Getting more coherent, I said "I don't know any Kevins" (not entirely true, but none that would be sexually propositioning me at Motel 6) and hung up.

I put on my shoes and went to the front desk to tell them, and they blocked all calls from my phone so I could sleep (in case he was gonna call me more). I found out the next morning that 2 years ago, this same Motel 6 experienced a rash of similar calls from "steven", and they stopped only when they began to trace the line. So apparently there's someone out there routinely calling random rooms at this motel, for whatever reason people make obscene calls.

And what little catchphrase did Kevin use to shock me or creep me out?

"I want your body".

HOW LAME IS THAT?!

I mean, if you're gonna make an anonymous sexual call to a stranger, have some flair! How about "I want to caress your toes with my tongue" or, in the words of the What animal best portrays your sexual appetite? quiz, "I call the shots around here....and tonight is pirate night for us"? I haven't gotten an obscene call in years, and this one was so subpar that, had I been more awake, I'd have given him a complete critique until he hung up in shame at his lack of a zingy opening line.

This Kevin must not have access to Internet porn, or he'd realize that something like "I want your body" barely registers in today's world of cum-guzzling teen sluts with webcams.