August 28th, 2001


Previewing the Class of 2024

You've probably seen these annual lists that Beloit College releases that describe the worldview and experiences of that year's incoming freshmen. The idea of this is twofold: to help their faculty and staff understand the generation gap, and to make those of us who are long since done with college feel old.

So in anticipation, here's my list for the class of 2024:

1. Most students entering college this fall in 2020, were born in 2002.
2. VHS tapes have always been obsolete, as have Compact Discs.
3. Their parents have always answered the phone with the greeting,"Sup".
4. They have never ridden in a car with less than 6 doors.
5. They have never lost a friend or co-worker to AIDS.
6. Canada has always been a possession of the United States.
7. Meat has never cost less than $50/lb.
8. The US has always had a hereditary Oligarch for a president.
9. Madonna is a talk show host, not a singer.
10. Hip teens have always had cellular reciever body piercings.
11. They are unable to explain the significance or identity of Ginger, Posh, and Sporty.
12. The internet and 500 basic TV channels have always been delivered through the same credit card sized peripheral.
13. They have no idea that Ebay and tobacco were once legal, and that Schedule 12 drugs like G98xB were once illegal.
14. As far as they know, the TV show "Survivor" has always ended with an execution.
15. Burning Man has always been a national holiday featuring parades with beauty queens, marching bands, and city council candidates riding in antique gas-powered convertible cars.
16. It has never been possible to travel to the Republic of Montana without an extensive background check and 9-step visa application.
17. Rich people have always owned cyborg clones of themselves.
18. There have always been three gender choices on official forms.
19. They have no idea why Danielle Steel is on the $1000 bill.
20. Botswana, New Zealand and Microsoft have always had Most Favored Nation trade status with the US.
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Are Americans as stupid as we look?

So I got my George Dubya "please don't make me a one term president like my Daddy" refund bribe, and on the bottom it says:


Make me puke! It's like being an unwilling extra in some late 1950's Labor Union ad; "American Workers blah blah pride in a job well done blah blah tax relief blah blah working class blah blah help the little guy blah blah blah blah....

Since I'm going to the big bad city this weekend, maybe I should resolve to spend it only on sex toys and/or intoxicants. I'll stimulate your economy with consumer spending, baby!
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