THE CITY OF SEATTLE INITIATIVE NO. 77
Initiative Measure Number 77 concerns funding childcare and early learning through an espresso beverage tax. The measure would fund qualifying pre-kindergarten programs, grants to qualifying families, and education-based compensation increases for childcare and early learning providers by imposing on businesses that prepare and sell espresso beverages in Seattle a tax in the amount of ten cents on each such sale. The measure establishes an oversight committee and requires that tax revenues not replace existing funding for these services and that the City continue to fund these services at 2002 levels, adjusted for inflation.
Should this measure be enacted into law?
While we could merely mock the arbitrary nature of this tax (Why not tax lawnmowers, zucchini or eyebrow rings while we're at it?) and how the thing being taxed has no relationship to the thing being funded (unlike, say, tax on cars to build a monorail), I think I'll instead float the great conspiracy theory I read about the initiative:
It's really a Mormon plot, as 1) they want to see caffeine taxed heavily, just like alcohol and tobacco already are 2) since they have large families (even larger if they're being polygamous on the side and milking welfare support for "single" mothers), this tax will provide the maximum benefit for their blue-eyed, milk-drinking broods without costing them a cent since they'd never touch the Devil's Bean. Therefore if you vote for this, you're helping the Mormons to BREED EVEN MORE AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
I haven't heard any creative interpretations of the other initiative, #75:
The measure would require the Seattle Police and City Attorney to make cases involving marijuana offenses, where the marijuana was intended for adult personal use, the City’s lowest law-enforcement priority , probably because, unlike the Mormons, the Hempfest/NORML folks appear far too ADHD to engage in a successful insidious conspiracy.