Just me. (lara7) wrote,
Just me.

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Gay men with sledgehammers are "in" for February

(EVENT) For the single and/or lonely and/or recently dumped, Valentine's Day can be a yearly lesson in misery, which is why we here at the ever-caring Stranger have thrown our Pre-Valentine's Day Bash at Re-bar for the past five years. The premise is simple: Single folks bring mementos--be they gifts or CDs or copies of Geek Love--from failed relationships to our little soiree, and our own Dan Savage mercilessly destroys them on stage in violent and sick ways. The result is a cathartic, hilarious evening, filled with tales of woe and possible lust. Possible lust? Yes, since the event is, after all, intended for singles. If you are alone this Hallmark holiday, bring an item from a past relationship and come on down to help with the healing. And who knows? You might just get laid. (Re-bar, 7 pm, $5--or free with a filled-out Stranger Personals ad.)

I didn't have to werk the next day, and I seemed the poster child for the above: Recently dumped? check. Lonely? check. Hoping to meet Dan Savage? check. Want to see destruction on stage that doesn't involve Gallagher and watermelons? check. So off I went.

I got there a bit late, but Dan was already in top form. The schtick went: Dan calls you up, holds your object, asks you tell how you got it, how the relationship ended, and how the memento should be destroyed. Along the way, he heckles you about your ex and encourages the crowd to give you sympathy while you tell your tale of woe.

Guy gets broken up with by guy (who he was living with) via answering machine. Guy later finds out it was because he met someone else.

Woman studying in Italy for a year meets guy, date for months, then one day she's in a bar and he comes in "with" a woman. She says "who's the slut", he says, she's not a slut, she's my wife.
Guy gives a girl a ring, she moves away, they do the long distance thing, she returns the ring via US mail with no warning that its over.
Woman gets married to a guy who wants a "Renaissance wedding" and wants to ride up on a white horse. She goes along with it and marries him, and their wedding pic triptych includes one of Sir Groom-a-lot on the horse.

A lot of the objects proffered (like the white horse wedding photo) immediately made you understand why the relationship was destined to fail. There was a CDR, made for a girl by a guy, that began with an Air Supply song. There was an "I MISS YOU!!!! Call me!!! Love ya!!!" note with hearts over the "i"s which made Dan quip- "How old was this girl- twelve?". There were cheap, shoddy vibrators that had been given to a lesbian by another lesbian- might be excusable from a man that doesn't know much about sex toys, but a woman should at least know better than to skimp on a vibrator. There was an easter bunny stuffed toy that played a cutesy-MIDIfied version of "here comes Peter Cottentail" and was the kind of thing you'd get from your mom at Easter if you were 8 years old and maybe just a little retarded. There was the Amish-looking brown dress that a boyfriend had thought was "the perfect Christmas gift" for an attractive women with a nice figure. The schadenfreude was intense. And funny.

Many things, such as mixed tapes, a cell phone, and a Bear-catching-a-salmon snowglobe, were smashed with a sledgehammer. Some things, like a wedding veil and the singing bunny, were burned over a blacksmith's firepit. Dan had sadistic, creative ways of destroying some tokens:

pillow = stabbed with knife, foam passed among audience members to put in their underwear.
Ring- smashed with sledgehammer into tiny speck, then rolled in raw ground beef and fed to blacksmith's dog.
letter- shredded with paper shredder, then put in blender with ice, OJ, and vodka for dan and guy to drink.
wedding triptych- bride's pictures and glass removed from frame, the remainder sent to mens room to be placed in trough urinal.
Vibrator/dildos = placed in blender. Dan got a shock from doing this, reminding us why you shouldn't try to blend something with electrical wires. When they came out of the blender, they looked like victims of the worst bris ever.

The standout stories:

A man brought up some underwear that his boyfriend had left at his house. Dan held up the enormous drawers and put them on his head like a turban and asked, "Was your boyfriend a Bear?", which turned out to be true. As said Bear hated Twinks, Dan called up an earlier participant, who was kinda twink-like and about 23 years old, to take the underwear into the stall, jerk off into them, and then bring them back for burning. As far as I could tell (I missed part of this), the twink complied.

A man's girlfriend had given him a thermos, which dan gave to a few hard-drinking men to fill with urine in the men's room. then he wrapped it in the pillowcase from the stabbed pillow andsmashed it with the sledgehammer. There was a plexiglas shield to protect the audience, but it still made a mess- I don't think the pillowcase absorbed it all. Dan made a "I shouldn't have done that- that was a bad idea" apology to the front row.

The woman with the Italian lover who she didn't know was married had a patch and a paper with his phone number on it. Before the paper was burned, Dan asked "Anyone got a cell-phone?" and "What's the country code for Italy?" The phone call was brief : "May I speak to {name}? I'm calling from America." (pauses) "Is this {name}? Well {name}, FUCK YOU!" followed by the phone being held into the audience so the cheating Italian could hear the cheering. I hope American culture has saturated his life enough that he knows the meaning of those English words. According to the cellphone loaner, it would have been about 4 or 5 am in Italy at the time Dan called.

When I told my tale of woe about the Whore Fucker, a few audience members yelled "let's call him!", but I declined, even though the WF would know who Dan Savage was and might be momentarily confused as to why a famous faggot was calling to insult him. Like http://www.monkeyphonecall.com/, I think a market exists for a "Dan Savage berates your ex" phone service. I'm sure it would cost more than the $10 of Monkey Phone call, but can you imagine the possibilities? I'm sure Dear Abby would have never said something like "Learn to eat pussy properly, you self-centered clumsy oaf!", which would make it even better if there was an advice columnist who would. Anyway--

I brought a "bananas in pajamas" plastic doll that the WF had given me. Dan asked "Why did he give you this", and I explained it was because I used to wear PJs as street clothes (now I just do it when I DJ as DJ PJ), to which he said "But you don't now, because you got off the crack?", which was funny. We burned the BIPJ, then Dan smashed it with the sledghammer. It was actually hard to think of something that the WF had given me that I wanted to destroy- most of the gifts he gave me were actually pretty good/cool. But since the banana is a hated food, and the BIPJ is kinda creepy looking, it got the axe. It was more amusing than cathartic- I really don't think about the WF much anymore. It now seems like something that happened when grunge was still new rather than something that only ended 2 years ago.

If you find yourself in Seattle over Valentines day, I recommend this event. Especially if you're a guy that likes to pee on stuff.

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