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How to be a sucky restaurant, by Caffe Minnie's - The inexplicable charisma of the rival [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Just me.

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How to be a sucky restaurant, by Caffe Minnie's [Apr. 30th, 2005|02:28 pm]
Just me.
1) Although you are not the only 24 hour restaurant in Seattle, pretend like you are; you can get away with shitty service if people have nowhere else to go to get a burger after midnight.

2) When people over 35 come in to your restaurant, seat them directly under the speaker playing really loud middle eastern style vocals mixed with thumping bass. If Old People are going to come to Hip place with Sexy Tattooed Staff and busboys with liberty spike mohawks, they should suffer for daring to dine with the elite and hip. Note that the -other- table of Old People seated next to the speaker didn't complain; they are thankful to even be here, as they are at least 45!

3) When the people over 35 politely ask for another table so that they can talk to each other and hear, act really put out. Move them to a dirty window table; wipe it down half-heartedly. Make sure that no one brings them water or asks if they want drinks (despite not being very busy) for at least 20 minutes after they are seated, since these are obviously Difficult Customers.

4) When the waitress finally arrives, have her act really surly and angry, as if these customers are the cause of all her woes, if not all the problems of the world. Besides, when you are thin and punk and have a lip ring, you don't have to be good at your job; Old People should be glad that you'll even bother to talk to them, much less bring them food.

5) When an Old Person says there's a problem with her order, as it has cheese on it and wasn't described that way on the menu and the Old Person isn't fond of cheese, DON'T say "Oh, I'm sorry, we'll fix that for you". Rather, exhale loudly, and say with a begrudging sigh, "I'll go talk to the kitchen". Sulk off.

6) Don't have the kitchen remake the order; rather, scrape the cheese off and put some more sauce on the food. Don't even change the lettuce garnish that's got shredded cheese hidden in its folds.

7) Keep customers waiting for their check. The more time they get to spend in your restaurant listening to whatever Green Day ripoff you are now playing over the PA, the better for their musical education. They are probably stupid about music anyway, since they are Old; whereas you were 11 when Grunge happened and therefore know something about good music.

8) Wonder why the waitress got a $2 tip on $17 bill. Not that the waitress would know this, but if one of the Old People hadn't been a waitress at a 24 hour restaurant one summer, and the other Old Person hadn't once co-owned a restaurant, the tip would have been half that. Wonder why forgetful and/or cheap customers leave nothing; but pissed off customers leave something small enough so you know they didn't forget to tip.

9) Go back to gossiping, smoking, or doing whatever it is that the customers were interrupting when they had the audacity to walk in and want food.
linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: rimrunner
2005-04-30 09:35 pm (UTC)
Ah, so when the Broadway Minnie's closed, the staff all moved down to the one on Denny. Got it.

(The one on Denny USED to have at least acceptable service, once upon a time. However, the one on Broadway could've added this to your list:

10) After seating a party of six, proceed to completely ignore them until they leave. It's not as though they were planning to tip at that point, anyway.)
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[User Picture]From: das_prompt
2005-04-30 09:40 pm (UTC)
Heh, I love that place.
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[User Picture]From: lara7
2005-04-30 09:48 pm (UTC)

oh really?

be careful when you eat there; Ivan says that the only meat he's eaten in 20 years is when Minnie's fucked up his order and gave him a real burger instead of a Veggie Burger. He ate half of it before he figured out why it tasted weird- he was very upset.

that wasn't on this visit, but that's a pretty big strike against in my book.
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[User Picture]From: das_prompt
2005-04-30 09:53 pm (UTC)

Re: oh really?

Yeah, I hate when that happens. I've never had it happen there, but I had meat in my pasta at The Harvester is Tacoma recently. It didn't stop me from going back, but I check first now before I eat it.

Still, you know me, if some place sucks and everyone hates it, I'm like, "This is the best place ever!"

(Substitute "place" for "music" at your convenience.)
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[User Picture]From: theda
2005-04-30 09:48 pm (UTC)
There service and Bill's off Broadway are places I will never return to because of the quality of their service. Go to 13 coins, little more expensive but the service is a lot better.
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[User Picture]From: theda
2005-04-30 09:53 pm (UTC)

words=hard

Their service, good golly I'm ashamed.
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[User Picture]From: rimrunner
2005-04-30 09:59 pm (UTC)
Sounds like Bill's has gone downhill, then. That's too bad; I used to go there all the time when I lived nearby.
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[User Picture]From: lemur68
2005-05-01 07:30 am (UTC)
I got the same vibe at that ice cream place in the U-District we went to the first time I was in town (Mix, I think it's called?) I asked for a "Home Sweet Home" but with raspberries instead of strawberries, thinking I was making it simpler to say that instead of rattling off everything that went in it, and I got a smarmy "Then it's not a Home Sweet Home!" Something tells me if I had done the reverse he woulda been all, "So you want a Home Sweet Home but with raspberries instead, huh?" And I really enjoyed the girl who would pissily toss her mixing implements into the sink behind her without looking.

Fuck your little decade-too-late slacker affectations, you little fuckers.
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[User Picture]From: li_kao
2005-05-01 04:54 pm (UTC)
Not that the waitress would know this, but if one of the Old People hadn't been a waitress at a 24 hour restaurant one summer, and the other Old Person hadn't once co-owned a restaurant, the tip would have been half that.

I'll never understand this type of solidarity. It's as if you're saying, "hey, I know how hard it is to be a inattentive, rude jackass, so I'm going to help you keep this job just a little bit longer". I will give a 0 or penny tip if the server is rude or too busy watching "the big game" on the tube to keep my drink filled or properly fill my order. Remember folks, sometimes sarcasm is the best tip.



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[User Picture]From: surlytart
2005-05-03 04:20 pm (UTC)
Heh. They lost their good staff when, a year ago, they refused to pay full paychecks and give breaks. After months of this, there was a labour dispute and the staff walked off of graveyard shift. They were all fired. Management there is deplorable.

Until they start treating their staff with a shred of respect, I'm boycotting Minnie's... and have been for a while. Anyone else is welcome to join me.
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[User Picture]From: gryph
2005-05-03 07:23 pm (UTC)
David used to be a cook there years ago. I used to like to eat cake there.

It's my understanding that the service there is par the course with Seattle eateries in general.
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